Years ago, a friend of mine and I talked about how we thought we could pick out the couples in our battalion that were still 'in love', and the ones that weren't.  We knew that some of the male officers would volunteer for assignments away from home, work extra hours, and basically do anything to avoid going home.  And others...others seemed to still have something going, even after years of marriage.  Our battalion commander, for example, threw a fortieth birhday party for his wife.  At that party I saw pictures from her high school years, and learned that they'd met in high school (her family sat in front of his family at church).  That means that they had to have been together almost thirty years....

And they still seemed to have that 'spark' going.  I also look at my parents, and even though I know they sometimes fight and don't always get along...for the most part they really seem to enjoy being around each other.  They'll make all these jokes and sexual innuendo when we're playing cards, that has me and my brother going "Mom!!!  Dad!!!  Why don't you wait until we leave to do that!"  And even though sometimes we get a bit, well...Too Much Information...its kind of nice to know that, after thirty+ years of marriage, they're still stealing kisses in the kitchen and still seem attracted to each other.  Even if they've aged and aren't as good looking as they used to be.

Yeah...I'd like to be sneaking kisses in the kitchen when I'm fifty, sixty, seventy...however long I'd have with someone.  The article says that for many people the initial chemical tide of "being in love" fades after 15 months, and has completely ebbed at around the 10 year mark.  I'm more curious about how/why these 'swans' don't fade like that.  I'm sure they'll do some sort of scientific research, hand out survey questions, etc. 

Without that info, I've only got my own speculation to go on...but I suspect part of what is going on with these 'swan' couples is that they've found ways to cultivate, build and maintain those things that help fire off the chemicals.  As one of the subjects said, "We make sure our lives are always changing.”

Good communication, making time for the other person, looking for the win/win, knowing how to reconcile when you've argued...maybe some couples still lose that spark even if they're doing all this stuff...but I think its pretty hard to keep that spark alive if you aren't.

Chemical attraction...yeah, its heady stuff.  And I don't know about other people, but I know that once I'm into someone it doesn't die off very quickly...which may sound nice and romantic but in real life can kind of suck.  

 (Though...well, you have to have the head and heart working together.  If I'm attracted to someone, and as Kanye West puts it "the vibe is wrong" then I'll probably try not to act as though there's any attraction at all.  As another line from Love Lockdown goes..."So you never know.  Never, never know."  That might sound a bit harsh, or something.  But...if you know that you can't date someone as is...'cause the vibe is wrong, or for other easons, like in the military, where sometimes you're their platoon leader and they're a subordinate or something...then not locking it down either means that you're encouraging someone you know is wrong for you, or you're sending mixed signals....and sending mixed signals means, what exactly?  That you're into them, but not into them, and hope they'll somehow change so that you'll stop sending mixed signals?  Common wisdom is that you shouldn't get involved with someone that you expect to change, or will change.  You shouldn't go dating a 'fixer upper', or think that the things that bother you know will somehow magically resolve themselves once you've gotten married or something..  If they, on their own, wanted to change...that's a different story.  And they'd have to somehow clue you in, and let you know that things have changed or are going to change (and back that up with action)...which takes all that communication stuff I talked about before.  But in the absence of any real evidence that something you find unacceptable is not going to be an issue in the future, then its better to just lock it down and holdout for a situation where head and heart together support being with that person.) 

And boy, does that sound confusing!   But its a complicated thing, and there are so many caveats and exceptions that its almost impossible to write about.  Plus, well...I don't really let head overrule heart ALL the time.  Sure as hell didn't the last time.  I don't think its necessarily healthy to always be logical about these things, anyway. 

And yet, its important enough to try to explain that I think I'll leave it as is.